I've had enough. We've collectively lost our fucking minds and I'm here to put my foot down and stand up for what's right in the world.
Christmas starts after Thanksgiving.
Let me repeat that in case anyone could possibly misconstrue my words: Christmas. Starts. After. Thanksgiving.
I have a sincere question. Since when did we deem it socially acceptable to begin decorating for Christmas and rocking our ugly sweaters immediately following Halloween?! Did I miss the memo? Shit, I saw one individual who had their tree up IN OCTOBER. OCTOBER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. And yes, this individual has been removed from all of my social media platforms. I will not tolerate this behavior nor will I stand idle while arguably the best holiday in the good ol' US of A is desecrated before my very eyes.
And neither should you.
It's immoral. It's incomprehensible. It's infuriating.
And if you are reading this and are currently thinking to yourself: "well I don't quite see what the problem is here." You, my (now ex) friend, are the problem. Have some self-awareness with your egg nog.
Imagine if we just pretended as if Halloween didn't exist and geared up for Thanksgiving in its wake. Seems unjust, right? Now multiply that by 1000x. The stakes are high and I will die on this hill if I have to because it's the right thing to do.
What's worse is that Thanksgiving is the superior holiday to Christmas and arguably the best holiday of all. It is, for those who celebrate, an uninterrupted day of gorging yourself on various dishes combined with copious amounts of alcohol thus rendering you completely useless as you melt into the family couch in front of 10 hours of football. And that's not even what separates Thanksgiving as the GOAT holiday, it's the complete lack of expectations. There are no anxieties to be had around gift-giving. No awkward moments as you unwrap your crazy Aunt's gift while the whole family pauses for your reaction cameras ready as if fucking TMZ was in your living room over a pair of socks she grabbed at Target the day prior.
Throw all of that bullshit out of the window. Eat, drink, watch football, and repeat. And to top it off, it's not balls deep in wintertime like Christmas is so odds are the weather is slightly more in your favor as well.
At the end of it all, I blame Mariah Carey for this movement. Her self-indulgent Christmas propaganda thinly veiled in the form of a shitty rendition of a Christmas song that your nearest Applebee's will undoubtedly have on repeat is just too much. And worst of all, she's pushing it in your face the day after Halloween like the money-starved artist she is because lord knows she needs those Spotify streams so she can afford another decade of those luxurious champagne bubble baths, and you all walk right into it every fucking year.
Well, not me. And this isn't about me being a "Scrooge", which I've been called before. I rebuff that entirely, it's a lazy comeback at best. I enjoy Christmas like everyone else. But I also believe in giving each holiday its proper respect and if you choose to disrespect Thanksgiving I sure as shit better not see you celebrating it because I will call you the fuck out like the phony that you are. Why the fuck do you need 2 months of preparation and celebrations anyways?! I have family on my mom's side that are Jehova Witnesses, they don't even celebrate either of these holidays and even they understand!
So, here's to you and yours having a great Thanksgiving. And a merry Christmas as well. Just, you know, wait until the day after you've gorged yourself during America's favorite holiday to begin blasting "All I want for Christmas" in your tacky sweater. There's a time and place for everything.